No justice in this world. This is a review of 2 books, one terrible and successful the other brilliant and not
Fifty Shades and Out of the Shadows
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY (Part 1)
I finally got to read at least the first part of 50 shades, and by coincidence found a book also on the broad subject matter by the title of Out of the shadows. The latter book is free on Amazon (if you have a kindle) whereas 50 shades is not, and has made its’ author fortunes, but that is by no means all that separates the two.
It is easy to find fault with 50 shades; the instant popularity and appeal of the book maybe set an expectation level that would be difficult to fulfil in any case. But even given that I found it to be simply “chick lit” with a nod to how the author believed (or thought her audience would believe) a D/s relationship might begin and develop.
The book suffered an initial, fatal credibility problem in that the central character was made fantastic in his wealth and power. You may take it from me that helicopters are not a prerequisite for this life, neither are ridiculous gifts such as new Audis normally necessary to persuade the girl you are after to give you the time of day.
What is a prerequisite is that both parties are at the least open to Domination and submission. I think anyone involved with this in anything more than a superficial level will tell you that someone whose heart this does not speak to cannot be seduced, bribed, cajoled or persuaded into this, and that applies equally to the Dominant or the submissive.
I would say that if a girl is not attracted to this when she is 20 she is not going to be when she is 50. By a huge majority most into this have known since very early in life, maybe as young as 4 or 5 years old. It is often the case that she does nothing about the pull of D/s until later in life, for many reasons, one of which is denial of the pull. But no matter that she will know, as we all do, her inner core and nature, and she will be aware that this is potentially a motive force in her life.
In 50 shades you have the central female character (Ana) who quite clearly is attracted to the personality of the “Dominant” (Grey) but not to what the motive force of his desired relationship with her actually is. Throughout the book there are countless (endless?) loving descriptions of the sex between them, but the basic truth of any D/s relationship i have had or known about is that sex is usually the climactic act, if even that. D/s is not used to get to “the good bit”, for us it IS the good bit.
Those general points made, let us consider the psychology of the two main characters, beginning with Grey, the “Dominant” Supposedly he has somehow got from a worse than poor beginning in life as the child of a crack addict and parlayed a modest amount of money from his previous Mistress, (whose submissive he was until late teens) to a mega fortune within maybe 10 years.
We can pass over how preposterous this is because it really does nothing for the book except highlight his extreme wealth. However it does beg the question of why he should expend such energy time and money on a girl he knows from the start is not drawn to or accepting of the role he says is the core desire of his life. Ana is portrayed as attractive, but America is not short of pretty girls, Grey could have chosen from a thousand in Vegas, all of whom would have been delighted to be the girl on his arm and many of whom would have been more than happy to fulfil the role of submissive for him.
Instead he sets out to take Ana where he knows quite well she has no wish to go. Now all other issues aside I can tell you no Dominant ever wants to feel his girl is “letting” him do anything, still less that he needs to bribe or negotiate her into what she fundamentally does not want (or more precisely need) at some level of her being. The idea that Grey is comfortable with this as an ongoing game tells you that he is not psychologically as he is meant to be.
Turning to what made him as he is we are invited to believe that he acquired a taste for Dominance from the experience of being a full time submissive. This is so far from any likely scenario as to be laughable. As I said above most of us have early childhood memories of incidents that made us know who we are. And what we are psychologically does not somehow take a 180 degree change no matter what our experiences in later life, any more than gay people can be altered in that way. Yes, they may and did conform to a society norm, but the motive force of their being was and is constant, only requiring opportunity to be awakened.
But even if we accept him as the Dominant he purports to be the book is full of negotiation and “contracts” which he allows Ana to challenge, water down and plain disregard almost as she wishes. This, we are invited to assume is because of his deep love and need for her. But no Dominant would accede to this constantly, because each concession chips away at the underlying premise of their relationship, which is that he has basic control of her and dictates the rules of the game. While I accept that she never really gives that consent it is not credible he should let days, weeks and months go by without securing at least that consent as a basis from which they can move forward. One would think that the fact these pretty contracts are left so long unsigned might have been a clue for him, but no matter.
Ana is more straightforward. She avowedly does not want, indeed is fearful of, what she knows to be his primary need, which is to Dominate, control and if necessary discipline her.
The most striking example of her hesitation is her endless questioning of the contracts he gives her for her approval. She cannot bring herself to agree, preferring to debate every line with him. The contracts themselves are as can be found online and are much loved in cyber play such as Second Life. Tellingly though these are areas in which the likelihood is that those flirting with the idea of D/s are probably never going to translate that flirtation to Real Life.
However that may be any Dominant of my experience would have been showing Ana the door one tenth of the way through her attempts at negotiating the contract to a point where it was meaningless. By playing on his weakness (which he then demonstrated by consistently giving in to her negotiation) she showed clearly that she would not submit to him in anything other than her own terms. For a genuine submissive to be allowed those “victories” would have been heartbreaking, a submissive wants to feel controlled and dominated. It is, one might say, the whole point of the undertaking.
She loves the sex of course, but then that she could get anywhere we assume, albeit without the helicopters. So that begs the question as to why she hangs around, if not for his status, wealth and power. She clearly does not want who he is at his core and knows and admits that what drives him is frightening and alien to her. The two occasions where he actually hand spanks her are enough to traumatise her and tell her that she does not want that other than to keep him happy at the very minimal level.
And yet she persists in her belief that she loves him, but how can she? It’s like saying “I love that blue Vauxhall, if only it could be a Ford, and in red” She is in love with the idea of him (and yes, of course the sex) but is far from in love with who he actually is purported to be.
Fifty shades has been sold as a sort of entry guide to D/s. In fact it is nothing of the sort and does a grave disservice to an area of human sexual life that it might have illuminated. By mixing it with what is candidly cheap female pornography it has if anything further obscured the reality and basic concepts to anyone seeking to find an explanation in novel form.
OUT OF THE SHADOWS
This is as different from 50 shades as could possibly be. It too has love and sex, but as the natural concomitant of the primary D/s connection between the two characters, Nai and Senta. It is told from the point of view of the submissive girl, Senta, and the book cuts between their meeting, romance and her previous experiences trying to find what it is she craves. She does not meet “her Nai” by chance, it was arranged on the internet through Alt.com. (the best known BDSM contact site).
Everything in the book sparkles with the ring of truth. This is a girl who has been there, and knows the agonies of feeling different as a child as well as the disappointments along the way of trying to pursue what at times seems a hopeless, even degrading search for the person who will fulfil you at your core.
Senta describes the psychology of being a submissive, the longing to be owned, the craving to fulfil her Dominant, and the acceptance that everything she truly is can only be, and is, expressed through her relationship to him.
As he takes her further into their life, with more and more painful and demanding “play” she jumps each ever higher hurdle with joy and delight, partly because she knows she is pleasing him but also because he is giving her, also, the thing she needs and craves. This is not her “letting him do it” it is her as a full partner in the act, glorying in it and knowing she is fulfilled by it.
Unlike 50 shades there is no question here of negotiation, other than her initial consent. Nai tells her what is to happen, or sometimes not. It is his decision and her role is to submit to that decision for as long as they stay in that relationship. Yes, she has a safe word but you know she would rather die than use it. She trusts “her Nai” to protect her and keep her safe. It is his duty and responsibility.
She is very good on the dream of a 24/7 lifestyle. What she and Nai have is a long romance in Bangkok where they meet and he is based. Like 50 shades Nai has enough money and freedom to allow him time but not to the fairy tale extravagance of Grey. The hope Senta carries of this being 24/7 runs through the book, with all the Real Life problems that go with the attempt to carry this to fruition. I will not spoil the book by telling you how that resolves.
At one point though she runs out of money and has to return to England, leaving Nai in Bangkok. This for her is akin to dying, a submissive can only be that if she has a Dominant, and the same is equally true in reverse. There is one great line that sums up her situation;
“My body..was used to many orgasms and the furthest limits of control. And now it was standing in a queue at Marks and Spencer’s.”
From the utterly sublime to the utterly prosaic; I doubt you will see it better expressed.
Senta is very good on how difficult it is to find the person you are searching for. She details disastrous meetings from the internet along with many close but not right partners. She knows when she meets Nai that he really could be “the one” and as their relationship strengthens her in that belief she becomes more and more invested in him. She describes very well how although it is not hard to find a play partner it is rare to find the partner to whom you just fit. There is a sort of linear scale in what we call BDSM which encompasses many way stations. To find the partner who wants pretty well exactly what you want but in reverse may and usually will be a long search, with no certainty that person will ever be found.
It is the embodiment of the truth that it matters not that you sometimes fail, or fall. What matters in life, and what defines us, is whether you overcome that failure, get up and again and pursue your dreams.
You can read this book as a love story, which it is, or one girls’ fight to chase her dreams, which it also is, or just as a brilliant explanation of how a natural submissive thinks.
For whichever reason, if you get the chance please read it
Fifty Shades and Out of the Shadows
FIFTY SHADES OF GREY (Part 1)
I finally got to read at least the first part of 50 shades, and by coincidence found a book also on the broad subject matter by the title of Out of the shadows. The latter book is free on Amazon (if you have a kindle) whereas 50 shades is not, and has made its’ author fortunes, but that is by no means all that separates the two.
It is easy to find fault with 50 shades; the instant popularity and appeal of the book maybe set an expectation level that would be difficult to fulfil in any case. But even given that I found it to be simply “chick lit” with a nod to how the author believed (or thought her audience would believe) a D/s relationship might begin and develop.
The book suffered an initial, fatal credibility problem in that the central character was made fantastic in his wealth and power. You may take it from me that helicopters are not a prerequisite for this life, neither are ridiculous gifts such as new Audis normally necessary to persuade the girl you are after to give you the time of day.
What is a prerequisite is that both parties are at the least open to Domination and submission. I think anyone involved with this in anything more than a superficial level will tell you that someone whose heart this does not speak to cannot be seduced, bribed, cajoled or persuaded into this, and that applies equally to the Dominant or the submissive.
I would say that if a girl is not attracted to this when she is 20 she is not going to be when she is 50. By a huge majority most into this have known since very early in life, maybe as young as 4 or 5 years old. It is often the case that she does nothing about the pull of D/s until later in life, for many reasons, one of which is denial of the pull. But no matter that she will know, as we all do, her inner core and nature, and she will be aware that this is potentially a motive force in her life.
In 50 shades you have the central female character (Ana) who quite clearly is attracted to the personality of the “Dominant” (Grey) but not to what the motive force of his desired relationship with her actually is. Throughout the book there are countless (endless?) loving descriptions of the sex between them, but the basic truth of any D/s relationship i have had or known about is that sex is usually the climactic act, if even that. D/s is not used to get to “the good bit”, for us it IS the good bit.
Those general points made, let us consider the psychology of the two main characters, beginning with Grey, the “Dominant” Supposedly he has somehow got from a worse than poor beginning in life as the child of a crack addict and parlayed a modest amount of money from his previous Mistress, (whose submissive he was until late teens) to a mega fortune within maybe 10 years.
We can pass over how preposterous this is because it really does nothing for the book except highlight his extreme wealth. However it does beg the question of why he should expend such energy time and money on a girl he knows from the start is not drawn to or accepting of the role he says is the core desire of his life. Ana is portrayed as attractive, but America is not short of pretty girls, Grey could have chosen from a thousand in Vegas, all of whom would have been delighted to be the girl on his arm and many of whom would have been more than happy to fulfil the role of submissive for him.
Instead he sets out to take Ana where he knows quite well she has no wish to go. Now all other issues aside I can tell you no Dominant ever wants to feel his girl is “letting” him do anything, still less that he needs to bribe or negotiate her into what she fundamentally does not want (or more precisely need) at some level of her being. The idea that Grey is comfortable with this as an ongoing game tells you that he is not psychologically as he is meant to be.
Turning to what made him as he is we are invited to believe that he acquired a taste for Dominance from the experience of being a full time submissive. This is so far from any likely scenario as to be laughable. As I said above most of us have early childhood memories of incidents that made us know who we are. And what we are psychologically does not somehow take a 180 degree change no matter what our experiences in later life, any more than gay people can be altered in that way. Yes, they may and did conform to a society norm, but the motive force of their being was and is constant, only requiring opportunity to be awakened.
But even if we accept him as the Dominant he purports to be the book is full of negotiation and “contracts” which he allows Ana to challenge, water down and plain disregard almost as she wishes. This, we are invited to assume is because of his deep love and need for her. But no Dominant would accede to this constantly, because each concession chips away at the underlying premise of their relationship, which is that he has basic control of her and dictates the rules of the game. While I accept that she never really gives that consent it is not credible he should let days, weeks and months go by without securing at least that consent as a basis from which they can move forward. One would think that the fact these pretty contracts are left so long unsigned might have been a clue for him, but no matter.
Ana is more straightforward. She avowedly does not want, indeed is fearful of, what she knows to be his primary need, which is to Dominate, control and if necessary discipline her.
The most striking example of her hesitation is her endless questioning of the contracts he gives her for her approval. She cannot bring herself to agree, preferring to debate every line with him. The contracts themselves are as can be found online and are much loved in cyber play such as Second Life. Tellingly though these are areas in which the likelihood is that those flirting with the idea of D/s are probably never going to translate that flirtation to Real Life.
However that may be any Dominant of my experience would have been showing Ana the door one tenth of the way through her attempts at negotiating the contract to a point where it was meaningless. By playing on his weakness (which he then demonstrated by consistently giving in to her negotiation) she showed clearly that she would not submit to him in anything other than her own terms. For a genuine submissive to be allowed those “victories” would have been heartbreaking, a submissive wants to feel controlled and dominated. It is, one might say, the whole point of the undertaking.
She loves the sex of course, but then that she could get anywhere we assume, albeit without the helicopters. So that begs the question as to why she hangs around, if not for his status, wealth and power. She clearly does not want who he is at his core and knows and admits that what drives him is frightening and alien to her. The two occasions where he actually hand spanks her are enough to traumatise her and tell her that she does not want that other than to keep him happy at the very minimal level.
And yet she persists in her belief that she loves him, but how can she? It’s like saying “I love that blue Vauxhall, if only it could be a Ford, and in red” She is in love with the idea of him (and yes, of course the sex) but is far from in love with who he actually is purported to be.
Fifty shades has been sold as a sort of entry guide to D/s. In fact it is nothing of the sort and does a grave disservice to an area of human sexual life that it might have illuminated. By mixing it with what is candidly cheap female pornography it has if anything further obscured the reality and basic concepts to anyone seeking to find an explanation in novel form.
OUT OF THE SHADOWS
This is as different from 50 shades as could possibly be. It too has love and sex, but as the natural concomitant of the primary D/s connection between the two characters, Nai and Senta. It is told from the point of view of the submissive girl, Senta, and the book cuts between their meeting, romance and her previous experiences trying to find what it is she craves. She does not meet “her Nai” by chance, it was arranged on the internet through Alt.com. (the best known BDSM contact site).
Everything in the book sparkles with the ring of truth. This is a girl who has been there, and knows the agonies of feeling different as a child as well as the disappointments along the way of trying to pursue what at times seems a hopeless, even degrading search for the person who will fulfil you at your core.
Senta describes the psychology of being a submissive, the longing to be owned, the craving to fulfil her Dominant, and the acceptance that everything she truly is can only be, and is, expressed through her relationship to him.
As he takes her further into their life, with more and more painful and demanding “play” she jumps each ever higher hurdle with joy and delight, partly because she knows she is pleasing him but also because he is giving her, also, the thing she needs and craves. This is not her “letting him do it” it is her as a full partner in the act, glorying in it and knowing she is fulfilled by it.
Unlike 50 shades there is no question here of negotiation, other than her initial consent. Nai tells her what is to happen, or sometimes not. It is his decision and her role is to submit to that decision for as long as they stay in that relationship. Yes, she has a safe word but you know she would rather die than use it. She trusts “her Nai” to protect her and keep her safe. It is his duty and responsibility.
She is very good on the dream of a 24/7 lifestyle. What she and Nai have is a long romance in Bangkok where they meet and he is based. Like 50 shades Nai has enough money and freedom to allow him time but not to the fairy tale extravagance of Grey. The hope Senta carries of this being 24/7 runs through the book, with all the Real Life problems that go with the attempt to carry this to fruition. I will not spoil the book by telling you how that resolves.
At one point though she runs out of money and has to return to England, leaving Nai in Bangkok. This for her is akin to dying, a submissive can only be that if she has a Dominant, and the same is equally true in reverse. There is one great line that sums up her situation;
“My body..was used to many orgasms and the furthest limits of control. And now it was standing in a queue at Marks and Spencer’s.”
From the utterly sublime to the utterly prosaic; I doubt you will see it better expressed.
Senta is very good on how difficult it is to find the person you are searching for. She details disastrous meetings from the internet along with many close but not right partners. She knows when she meets Nai that he really could be “the one” and as their relationship strengthens her in that belief she becomes more and more invested in him. She describes very well how although it is not hard to find a play partner it is rare to find the partner to whom you just fit. There is a sort of linear scale in what we call BDSM which encompasses many way stations. To find the partner who wants pretty well exactly what you want but in reverse may and usually will be a long search, with no certainty that person will ever be found.
It is the embodiment of the truth that it matters not that you sometimes fail, or fall. What matters in life, and what defines us, is whether you overcome that failure, get up and again and pursue your dreams.
You can read this book as a love story, which it is, or one girls’ fight to chase her dreams, which it also is, or just as a brilliant explanation of how a natural submissive thinks.
For whichever reason, if you get the chance please read it